goddamnemperor | [OOC] Dune in a nutshell.

as told in hilarious dialogue.

[Caladan]
Reverend Mother Mohaim - hey come here, I need to check if you're human by subjecting you to PAIN
Paul - AHH THE PAIN AHHH
Reverend Mother Mohaim - Dude, you really handled it well. You might be the One! ... Or not.
Paul - ....
Reverend Mother Mohaim - Oh and your dad is gonna die
Paul - D:

Paul - Hey is it true we're all doomed when we go to Arrakis
Everyone else - We're not doomed, we just suspect we are doomed.
Paul - D:

[meanwhile on Giedi Prime]
Baron Harkonnen - We know that they know that we know that they know we have a trap set for them!
Baron Harkennen - And they're still gonna get killed 8D
Piter - lol Atreides lol

[Arrakis]
Paul - Someone tried to kill me!
Jessica - I am manipulating the locals!
Liet - You guys are dickheads but I still like you and thus drag myself into doom.
Duncan - I'm drunk!

Yueh - Despite my conditioning, I have betrayed you all even if the Harkonnens are scumbags and probably backstabbed me too.
Leto - ...
Yueh - But hey, you can kill them too with a poison tooth!
Leto - ... Helpful. Really.

Leto - [tooth asplode!]
Piter - [dies]
Paul and Jessica - [ESCAPE!!]
Baron Harkonnen - Well fuck.

Paul - Shit, I can see my destiny!
Jessica - What? What?
Paul - I AM SCREWED.
Jessica - ?????
Paul - By the way, we're Harkonnens too.
Jessica - I could have lived happily without KNOWING THAT.
Paul - We're also guinea pigs in a genetic experiment.
Jessica - ... And that.

Stilgar - You might be the One, but we're not stupid.
Jessica - [takes out Stilgar]
Stilgar - Let me rethink that.

Chani - <3 Muad'dib <3
Paul - ... *_*
Jessica - I have a bad feeling about this.

Reverend Mother Ramallo - I am going to pass on my memories to you!
Jessica - Oh wait, I'm pregnant.
Reverend Mother Ramallo - ... COULDN'T YOU HAVE SAID THAT EARLIER?
Jessica - It slipped my mind?

[SEVERAL YEARS LATER]
Paul - I have a whole legion of Fremens now! Let's kick some Imperium butt! And start the jihad I wanted to avoid, but whatever.
Jessica - :(
Paul - This was all your fault btw. YOU GAVE BIRTH TO ME. Oh, and you screwed up my sister too.
Alia - WHEEE I can talk about sex at the age of two!!
Paul - See?
Jessica - :(

[political stuff happens elsewhere but it's not really important]

Paul - I must become the ONE [drinks the water of life]
Jessica - ohsnap
Paul - SUCCESS!!!

Paul - [blows things up]
[PEOPLE DIE. ALIA STABS THINGS LIKE THE BARON HARKONNEN]
Paul - Also I can destroy spice FOREVER.
Imperium - WE SURRENDER
Emperor Shaddam - >(
Paul - PS I want your daughter. Even though I don't love her.
Irulan - .__.
Paul - Now I will unleash my JIHAD even though I don't want to. My life sucks.
Reverend Mother Mohaim- STOP HIM
Jessica - What no.
Paul - lol you guys screwed up.

THE END. FOR NOW. Stay tuned for Dune Messiah and Children of Dune in the future.